Correcting Unhappiness

I often use simple models to analyze and fix problems.  One of my favorites is designed to help simplify understanding why someone is unhappy in life (it can also be used to analyze why someone is unhappy at work).  The model is as follows:

In reality, there are two paths to resolving unhappiness.  The first is to change your Model (life, business, relationships, etc.).    Remember, our models are simply pictures in our mind of how we fulfill our needs and follow our beliefs.  The second is to change your reality.  When broken down, it is easy to see that there are only two sides of the formula – the model and reality.  You can change either one by the choices you make.  Consider these three options:

Given our choices, there is only one that fuels unhappiness – focusing on the aspects of life we cannot control.  Some common examples of issues we cannot control include the behavior of others and the economy.  If you fuel this process all you are fueling is a victim mentality which typically leads to frustration, anger and disappointment.  The story of how issues outside your control impact your ability to change becomes your story to the world.  It stops resourcefulness and has a profound impact on all areas of your life.  If this is the strategy you commonly use to solve problems, you might want to consider taking one of the other paths in life.  Let me give you some integration thoughts on how to use this information in order to find happiness.

Fixing the Model

I have found in my coaching that a common problem on this side of the formula is that people adopt models into their life vs. create one that works for them.  We all become products of our environment, so often we adopt a model from the environment.  For example, when I was growing up the work model that society taught was to go to school and then work for a company until you retire.  For many entrepreneurs, adopting this model only brought unhappiness.  I was one of those people.  When I recognized the model was wrong for me and created my own model of work, I found happiness immediately.  It is important to remember that we often adjust our models throughout the stages of our lives. 

Often our models are really pictures of how we fulfill our goals or purpose in life.  I see so many people struggle because they adopt the goals created by others.  Let me give you an example.  As you can see from the diagram below, there are several common themes in life:

Imagine if your model is one that puts relationships first (a common example would be a mom).  If you got involved in a business and the model created for you was to put family second or created unrealistic timelines on goals because the goals were built around a full-time focus, then you have set yourself up for unhappiness from the inception of the process.  

In the end, the right model is the one that (1) fulfills your needs, (2) is in alignment with your nature, and (3) encompasses your core beliefs and values.  If you build your models for life, business and relationships based on those three criteria, then you may find life to be much more fulfilling.

Fixing Reality

Often the model we have adopted is fine and instead we need to focus on changing our reality.  This drives the process known as “personal development.”  There is so much that can be discussed regarding fixing our reality, however the basic concept resolves around three simple areas of focus:

1.  Awareness.  Awareness is a thinking process.  It allows you to solve problems, make better decisions, and plan better for all aspects of life.  I have found that having the right thinking is a critical aspect of having the right reality.  Thinking should revolve around four simple questions.  Answering these questions will provide the awareness to create the necessary thinking needed in order to improve life (or your reality):

a. How do I grow more?
b. How do I contribute at a higher level?
c. How do I have more fun in life?
d. How do I find gratitude and appreciation in life?

2. Activity.  Activity is the path to results.  Awareness has little value if you don’t put thinking into action.  To change reality through activity, the focus needs to be about strategies and systems.  These two items create structure around activity.

3. Resolve.  I have found that discipline is a critical part of both success and happiness.  Our habits (good and bad) create our reality.  If we want to fix our reality it is important to be committed to change.  As the old adage goes, change is the only constant in life.  So many people allow life to control them vs. them controlling life.  It is critical to understand what drives discipline and for the importance of discipline to be part of your reality.  You cannot afford to be a weather vane that changes with the breeze if you want to create the reality that matches your model.

In the end, this is simply a model designed to analyze (1) why you don’t have happiness, and (2) how to fix that problem.  Of course there is much more involved in the process, however, this is a good starting place to ensure that your life’s journey will be characterized by happiness.